Emotional Wreckage and Picking Up the Pieces

I am done... I'm over it. I'm so tired of wasting my energy and focusing on a goal that feels like its never gonna happen. I'm sick to death of worry about it daily. I know what your thinking... then just let it go? All I can say is that its not that easy, its not that I cant... I just don't feel like I was ready. Reality is setting in and I just cant take any more, I'm tired of wishing on stars and living on hope.

What exactly am I referring to?

I got a call from Dr. "X"'s office today... they went ahead (without my permission) and contacted Tricare to get my surgery (and that's exactly what the nurse called it) approved. They also had the nerve to already schedule my pre-op appointment with Dr. "X" and the hospital. I have not been this flaming mad in a long, long time. I think what pisses me off is that I told them I didn't want to do this, that I felt I needed more time and we needed to do more testing before we just cut me open and look at all my less than perfect insides. So now I need to call the office tomorrow and talk to Nurse "Z" and ask her why her head is stuck up her ass, and why the heck she would schedule all this without my permission when I told her last week not to.

I am also taking a break, I am taking all our "collected" baby stuff, that we have recieved over the years from our family and friends in false hopes that it might magically give us the good luck we were searching for and locking them away in the attic, I just cant bare the sight of them anymore. It doesn't mean that hubby and I are not going to try, it just means that I'm no longer letting this consume me. I have a new job that I will start next week and I really need to focus all my energy on that, I need to let go and let whatever happen, happen. I am not by any means ready or happy about this but its something I've got to do. I just cant take the heartache anymore. It all just hurts to bad.

Its kinda ironic that every time I have a crisis in my life P!nk happens to come out with a brand new song that says everything so perfectly about the way I feel. Low and behold she has done it again with her new song Fu*king Perfect... every bit about this song is EXACTLY the way I feel tonight and the past year. :sigh:

P!nk: Fu*king Pefect
(copyright to P!nk and all rights reserved)

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That’s alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, missundaztood
Miss “no way it’s all good”
It didn’t slow me down
Mistaken
Always second guessing
Underestimated
Look, I’m still around…

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fu*kin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing
You’re fu*kin’ perfect to me

You’re so mean
When you talk
About yourself
You are wrong
Change the voices
In your head
Make them like you
Instead
So complicated
Look how big you’ll make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It’s enough
I’ve done all i can think of
Chased down all my demons
see you same

Pretty, pretty please
Don’t you ever, ever feel
Like your less than
Fu*kin’ perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like your nothing

You’re fu*kin’ perfect to me
The world stares while i swallow the fear
The only thing i should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in lying and I tried tried
But we try too hard, it’s a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cuz they’re everywhere
They don’t like my genes, they don’t get my hair
Stringe ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?

Ooh, pretty pretty pretty,
Pretty pretty please don’t you ever ever feel
Like you’re less then, fu*kin’ perfect
Pretty pretty please if you ever ever feel
Like you’re nothing you’re fu*kin’ perfect, to me
You’re perfect
You’re perfect
Pretty, pretty please don’t you ever ever feel like you’re less then, fu*king perfect
Pretty, pretty please if you ever ever feel like you’re nothing you’re fu*king perfect to me