Good Job Ovaries! Here's to Hope!

I don't want to make too much out of this just yet but...

I just got a positive OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit) this morning and it was on my own!!!! No shots needed this month! I know it doesn't seems like much but, to me its a HUGE deal! It's a sign that my body is actually trying to work on its own for the first time. I have NEVER been able to achieve this on my own, I have always had to rely on shots to make myself ovulate. I did take another round of Letrozole this month and we did increase the dosage to 7.5mg x3 a day buuuuuuutttt... I did the ovulation part all my little own! Good job ovaries! So yeah... I just had to share that... hopefully this month will be our month, despite having only one good egg this month, I keep telling myself it only takes one! Right?! :)

Successful Procedure!

So I had my first IUI (intrauterine insemination) procedure done yesterday and it was very successful! I only wish they could tell you right away... yeah your preggers! LOL But... no such luck, we have to wait it out till Christmas to find out. But, wouldn't that be a great Christmas present! The procedure it self was a piece of cake! In fact I've probably had more uncomfortable pap smear experiences than this... I did find out that my cervix is tilted slightly but thankful it doesn't hinder me as far as pregnancy goes. I neatest part of the whole process was getting see what my hubby's sperm looked like under the microscope! OMG! There are tons of them! LOL! Apparently his "boys" are all good too. They are normal in size, shape and amount, and I'm glad to hear it because we've been a bit worried about it since after his reversal. It seriously was the coolest thing to see what was inside of him LOL! They do a wash so it is the most concentrated part of the sample that actually goes in me. The whole procedure took an hour only because I had to lay there for about 30-40 minutes to make sure we gave the "swimmers" a good chance to get where they need to be. I am so excited, and keep wondering... "Could I be pregnant yet?" all day today! LOL! I just can't keep my mind off of it! I really, Really, REALLY hope this is it for us! The timing couldn't be more perfect! And if this is it... we would have a September baby! Somewhere right around the time of hubby's birthday! Now I seriously can't wait for Christmas to come! :) Until then... I'll be crossing my fingers!

I'm getting inseminated tomorrow!

I just had to say it... hope no one is offended or grossed out by that title LOL! I am so excited to try this! My first IUI!!! I have HUGE & Ginormous hopes for this procedure to work! I went in today to have my regular 3rd ultrasound of my cycle and we are sitting pretty at 3 viable follicles on the right side and 1 other "possible" one on the left. Our chances of having multiples with having this procedure are alot higher than our "normal" way we've been doing it, but that is a risk I am willing to take at this point! I feel like all of our troubles and dashed hopes have finally come to a light at the end of the tunnel... this is our LAST shot for a while (since hubby's d, is coming up and all) so please, please, I beg you... pray for us, cross your fingers for us, and if you see that baby dust fairy... by all means... go ahead and shake the crap out of her for us! LOL! I will post more after tomorrows procedure :)

Around and around we go...

I went to the doc in Mobile yesterday and met with my RE-RN. We did our usual baseline ultrasound and she gave me a new Rx for more Letrozol (Femara) this time I am taking 4 pills a day for the next 5 days at 2.5mg each... so now we are up to 10 mg a day. That is A-LOT of emotional/girly/psycho-craziness going on LOL! Actually I don't feel any different at all, just yet. I took my first pills last night and just feel real emotional today (basically I've been crying at everything) it also doesn't help that the deadline for hubby's deployment is nearing and that's all I can think about lately. I am trying to stay "stress free" but if you know me... that is impossible! So I pascify myself with watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (Yes! Don't judge LOL!) and pickle sandwiches. (It's the pills I SWEAR!) We are trying our usual way this month, we've just increased the dosage, since last month I took 5mg for 8 days and only came up with one follie. If this doesn't work we will be trying our first IUI next month. Hubby also has to have another analysis just to make sure everything on his end is still working out ok too. And pending the results of that we might get to try IUI this month. So that's it for now... I got back to Mobile on Monday the 5th. I shall know more by then and update after my appointment. In the mean time... "fingers crossed" as usual.


P.S I have just discovered the "bird and the bee" commerical video's and they are hilarious... they are EXACTLY what most infertile couples go through! Sooo funny! Check them out on youtube! Hilarious! This one... is my fav. "I hate her uterus!" LMAO!

College, Infertility and Christmas Crafts!

I compltely understand now why people do no go to college! They make it impossible to pay for! Holy craaaaaaaaap! I am just so compeltely frustrated with begging the government to pay for my classes... I haven't even started a class yet and college is a big pain in the rear! I hope this is all worth it in the end... that's all I can say LOL! Seriously though... I am using Federal Student Aid for the first time annnnnnd MYCAA for the first time... I think they are both confused at the fact that I am trying to use both... but hey, can you blame me? It's FREE money! Just sitting there! Waiting for me to use it... but, they don't make it easy to get. I feel like I have jumped through every hoop possible in order to get the money. I have played phone tag with financial advisers and email'ed to death military assistance specialists. And all I can say is... what a mess! I hope to god this all gets straitened out before my class starts NEXT MONDAY! O.o

In other news... I am not pregnant... yup, AF just reared her ugly head on Thanksgiving! :P It is always my luck that she shows up either on a holiday or while on vacation (espeically when the destination involves a bathing suit) Soooo... it is back to the ole drawing board (AGAIN) I called my RE's nurse this morning and now I'm waiting on a call or e-mail back about what our next move is gonna be. Time is running out fast before hubby deploys so we gotta move fast. :( To be honest, I am looking forward to the break. It also wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be emotionally. I don't know if its because of all the excitement that was going on with Thanksgiving or what but I am pretty much in a relatively good mood, despite the bad news, and for that I am greatful. It's a roller coaster I tell ya... hopefully this is the "up" part!

The kiddo is back at school today and I am home... all alone... all by myself... ♪ ♫"don't wanna be... all byyyyyyy myself..."♪ ♫ oops LOL! It was nice seeing her not be as eager to go off to school this morning... don't get me wrong, I mean... I like that she goes but it was nice knowing she rather spend the time with mommy :) Mission accomplished! We did do some pretty awesome stuff this week! One of which was playing with salt dough! Super easy to make and waaaaaay cheaper than buying clay! Also safe around other children or pets who might eat it by accident! You just take 2 cups of flour, 2 cups of salt and 1 cup of water and mix in a big bowl. You can add a little water here and there if you need to, depending on the kind of texture you want. Then knead it for a while till it becomes the consistency of "play dough". Shape into whatever you want and then put it on a pan and bake it in the oven at 250 degrees for a few hours (more hours if its a huge item). We made Christmas ornaments this time out of the dough. A snowman, a butterfly and a cupcake. The kiddo shaped them and then we baked them for a few hours and then we painted them together.

I think they turned out awesome, if I do say so myself! ;)

Why I wont test...

To be honest it's because I'm scared I'll fail it. You wouldn't think a test so simple as this could be so scary... no I'm not talking about my college algebra test... I'm talking about a stupid pregnancy test. Yes, I am scared to death that I will take it and still only get one pink line. I know what you are thinking... "at least you'll know". I think at this point... I'd rather not know... I just can't take the hurt and disappointment, not this close to the holidays. I am officially 14 days late and for the past two weeks I've been feeling "off" but I am not paying much attention to it, because I've felt like this before and its always been not a big deal. Still I can't help feeling weird, and I can't ignore that am no longer able to sleep on my stomach because it feels like I'm sleeping on a golf ball. My side hurts, yeah, that spot right near your ovary and it worries me, and still I canot bring myself to do anything about it. I keep waiting, waiting to get my period, waiting to get the courage and balls to just take the stupid test, waiting for the sky to fall, or the bottom to fall out... I dunno which, but I know its coming... it always does. I guess another reason I'm putting it off is because I'm scared to death that this will be the last month trying with meds. I don't want to be cut open and put on display for the sake of "trying to find out what's going on" -- yeah, that's what they call it when the pills they give you don't work and they still can't find out what's going on with your babymaker. They cleverly disguise it as a "laparoscopy". If it were up to me (just the silly ole patient and her body) I would just continue with the meds and injections till January. Put myself on BC (to control my heavy periods) for 6-7 months while the hubby will be deployed, and then test it after he comes back for a month. If all that fails... then we opt for surgery. But what do I know? I'm just the patient, I'm just the girl who longs desperately for a baby. I am just the wife who can't give her husband what he wants the most. Hope is definitely getting sparse around here, that is what I do know. :( What would you do if you were in my shoes?

P.S.

I hate blogging about such negative things, but this is my life and this is what is currently going on with me... I just have to get this off my chest...

Back to the drawing board...

I know... I've been keeping you in suspense I'm sure, but I had to be sure before I posted anything. We are NOT pregnant... nope, big no, big FAT negative on my blood work. I ended up POAS (Peeing on a stick) early Monday morning and ended up getting one of those "crazy lady" pink lines... ya know, the kind where your like "is that real? Am I really seeing that or am I just nuts?"

So I called up the doc's office and asked if I could have a blood test. So off to Mobile I drove on Tuesday morning, they didn't get the results back until later that day and my nurse finally called me at around five yesterday with the news. I just don't know what to say... other than I'm getting real used to the disappointment. I know... everyone keeps telling me all kinds of sweet things... "like it will happen when its meant to", "it will happen when god want's it too", "it will happen when your body is ready to let it happen".

I get it, really I do... but the thing is... my body will NEVER be ready... I don't ovulate on my own... my body doesn't work like it should, I am defected... I am broken. So without help of modern medicine I will NEVER have a child of my own... so saying thing's like it will happen when its time, is not a valid answer to me... because for me my time will never come without help. I am losing hope slowly but surely... its hard to stay positive when you get a negative every month. It's hard to have faith in something that you never believed in anyway.

I made alot of bad choices and mistakes in my life but I still feel that I deserve to be happy and complete, children are after all... what is worth living for. I am greatful for all I have, a husband that loves me, a daughter that thinks the world of me, I just wish I could give them something in return, a little piece of me to love too. My biggest fear is that my munchkin will grow up like me, alone and scared. The cold hard fact is, I won't live forever... and one day she will be all alone. She has NO cousins, let alone close ones. She has her grandparents and her father and I, that's all... she is why I fight this battle... not for me... but to give her a best friend, to give her someone to share her adult life with, to have someone to lean on after I am gone. Every wish of her's is spent on asking for a brother or a sister, every Christmas or Birthday she asks for a sibling to spend her days with. She promises she will be a good big sister and it breaks my heart that she might never get the chance to be one. She is why I fight the fight. She is my constant, she is my rock.

So I guess its back to the drawing board now...

2 Week Wait Craziness!

Ok so I HAVE to talk about it... its Wednesday and the week is just dragging on for me, and If I just keep it to myself I might just explode and then where will I be come Monday morning when I have to POAS (Pee on a stick)? Right... so here we go... for the last 3-4 days I have had symptoms... and I am trying my hardest not to read into this since it could just be a lingering effect from my HCG shot those things have been known to give off symptoms since it is in fact the pregnancy hormone. Butt... there is this nagging sensation in the back of my mind that makes it really hard to ignore them. I don't want to get my hopes up either because I can't stand to be crushed, see I figured that if I ignore all the signs and just keep telling myself that it will never happen and you have nothing to get all excited about then I don't have to steel myself for the heartbreak that I'm bound to have at the end of the month when AF (Aunt Flow) arrives. However... here I am... talking about it to avoid driving myself nuts! So... they are...

1. Tiredness- I took a 4 1/2 hour nap on Monday and a 3 hour nap yesterday, I feel ok today so I don't think a nap will be had.

2. I'm eating like a horse! I'm hungry ALL the freakin time! Yes, ALL the time... and I mostly want bread or carb stuff. In fact I ate a HUGE portion of french bread for breakfast (and it was the most delicious french bread ever btw...) and had two bowls of Ramen noodles! That is soooo not me... I typically have a sandwich for lunch and that's about it. I don't even EAT breakfast!

3. I pee all the time! I pee probably every half hour, it just hits me like a ton of bricks and then some. I also have to wake up in the night to pee too.

4. I have twinges (not cramps) but just twinges of pain in my pelvis mostly at the top of my uterus and on the left side. I haven't had the spotting yet that usually occurs with implantation. I also get this kinda pinching feeling every once and a while, it doesn't hurt or anything its just annoying. I also feel sorta a pulling sensation that is kinda between my leg and my pelvis on both my left and right sides. None of this feels like AF symptoms and if it were my period coming on it would be about 3 weeks early... and I typically don't feel this way 3 weeks before my period.

5. My boobs are HUGE, well more huge than normal lol! They don't hurt they are just heavy... like I can't wear a bra, because its putting dents in my shoulders kinda heavy. I'm wearing a sports bra for the rest of the week and maybe investing in a couple of bungee cords!

6. I am VERY irritable and emotional... yesterday in particular I was snapping at EVERY little thing... and I nearly cried when I thought the dog was gonna run out the front door and all hubby did was unlock it and then of course I yelled at him... yeah made me feel psycho!

That's about all right some of the other stuff is just like lower back pain, headaches and nausea that's on and off all day, don't worry its not enough to make me puke yet. I'm pretty good about not puking unless I have to, because I HATE puking!

So yeah... phew... I feel a little better getting that all out there... so thoughts? ideas? Am I crazy or what?

Seeing Lines and Wishful Thinking... Still

So in no way to do I want to jinx myself... and I know that these OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kits) aren't always 100% accurate after you've had a trigger shot but.... I seriously just couldn't help myself, I wanted to see if the shot actually worked... yeah, I know... "dumb"... "just don't think about it"... "just let nature do it's thing"... trust me, I've told myself all that a million times until I just gave in. At the very least it gives me a happy feeling just seeing 2 lines. I have never seen two lines in all my life, not with an OPK or a HPT (Ovulation Predictor Kit or Home Pregnancy Test) so it was nice to see the lines for a change. I am however, taking this all with a grain of salt... I am trying to be hopeful without getting my hopes up. I know... makes no sense right? Exactly... I know... try living that lol! This is what infertility will do to you... make you gray and insane lol! Oh and were not even in the middle of my tww (Two Week Wait)! Can you imagine what I'll be like next week? I apologize in advance lol!

Oh and P.S.

As you may or may not be able to tell... the OPK in the middle is the strongest it is from my cycle day 13, it puts me still in my window of 24-36 hours after my shot and I also feel the most confident about O'ing (Ovulating) on that day. I have a ton of other "symptoms" but I'd rather not report on that, since I'm trying hard not to convince my self So.... fingers crossed!

We have Eggs!

SO YAY!!! We have two (three) very successfully mature eggs on my left ovary! One egg is measuring at 18mm and the other at 19mm, which is perfectly normal for the stage I'm at in the ovulation process. We do *ahem* *cough* have another sliiiiiiiigtly smaller egg that seems to be hiding behind the other two it is measuring at around 17mm and is not realllllly expected to grow much more since the other two are much more dominate in size and shape... yeah, shape... weird, I know but apparently shape in important lol! Or so I'm told ;) I also received my first trigger shot injection of HCG today (the hormone that makes you ovulate) so the magic should be happening in the next 36 hours. So here is to giving it all we got! I am suuuuuuuper excited about our chances this month. It means so much to us that we have such a great shot this month, its the closest to our dream we've ever been so far and I feel like its right there! I just need to reach out and grab it! So keep your fingers crossed, I thank you for everything so far in all your lovely comments, hopes, prayers and joy for us. I hope to update you soon on that is going on. Until then... go team left ovary!

Go Team Left Ovary!

I am back from the doctors today and had a WONDERFUL visit! Yes! You read that correctly! From what the ultrasound was telling us, taking the pills a few extra days paid off! As of today we have 3 big follicles on my left ovary, one which is most dominant is measuring at 13mm! The other two in line right behind it are at 12mm and 11mm. There is also one hiding in the back that is at around 8mm and we don't think it will be given the chance to grow seeing how the other three are much bigger. My right ovary (the one that has a little cyst on it) has 2 little follicles too but they are all smaller and about 6mm and probably wont mature at all. That being said... we are going to, obviously not take anymore meds; because I have enough eggs as it is... and personally I don't feel like becoming TLC's next mommy tv show! And were going to see what happens over the weekend, the goal is to see how they mature and we are hoping for the 3 most dominant follicles to become around a 17-18mm that would mean they are totally mature and ready for fertilizing. Of course I would be more than ecstatic if any one of these chooses to mature but I do have to prepare myself LOL! My next appointment will be on Monday and hopefully by then we will have some good, slightly larger, mature follicles! If that is the case then I will be getting a trigger point injection to start my ovulation, that's right! No guessing when we should start "baking the cookies"! So until then... please believe, hope, pray and cross everything (including your eyeballs if you have to!) because whatever it is that is working is WORKING! And of course, I will up date on Monday again. Have a GREAT weekend everyone!

Fertility Update

So as promised I am updating on my adventure on my visit to the "fert" doc. I went today to have my 2nd ultrasound done. And we have follicles! Woohoo! There are 3 on my left ovary (the good ovary this month) and 2 on my right (the ovary that has a cyst on it this month). Last week when I went in I only had 2, one on my left and one on my right and they were measuring at around 5mm, today they are obviously more and the largest ones are measuring around 7mm! Per my doctor and his PA I am going to be continuing my letrozole for the next two days in hopes that these little "babies" grow to at least 10mm. I am extatic that I even responded to this medication! Even if it doesn't happen this month, at least I know that I respond to a medication! That my dear friends is progress that I needed to see! So until Friday... please, keep your fingers crossed! I hope, wish and pray on everything that this is our month! So... to...be...continued!

What's going on and last day of the "Ten Day You Challenge"

Hey sorry alot has been going on... well ok, not that much but I just haven't had it in me to blog. I spent a good amount of time hanging out as a family this weekend. Since Tropical Storm Lee decided to make our Labor Day suck rainy, we stayed indoors and watched movies, played with play dough and went 4 rounds of Candy Land; where the munchkin spanked the pants off of us each time!

In baby news; I went to the fertility doc last week in Mobile and they did my baseline ultrasound. This time they put me on a medication called Letrozole/Femara... and man am I feeling the weird side effects from it. The first day I was on it I had a migraine from hell. I have also experienced dizzy spells, lightheaded-ness, twinges on my ovaries, hot flashes, palpitations, and just the general feeling of being kinda tipsy lol! Like I said... weird side effects! I just hope the pills work as well as the side effects do on me. They decided to give me this kind of medication instead since Clomid doesn't work on me. I go back to the doc tomorrow for my ultrasound to see if there are any folicals and hopefully there are. During my baseline ultrasound they discovered this month my left ovary is all clear and my right ovary has a small cyst. They will be monitoring it and hopefully it wont grow and dominate the ovary... that is one of the reasons why I don't ovulate... these cysts become giant a-holes and tend to dominated the ovary it is inhabiting and wont let it do its job. So keep your fingers crossed that my left side will cooperate this month, I will update again after tomorrow.

Today is also the hubbies birthday! He turns the big 3-0! We're not doing too much that is special today since he has his big PT test tomorrow, he wants to be in perfect condition for it tomorrow. I made him some low fat banana pudding for later when he gets home and we will go out for dinner to celebrate this weekend. We're not doing a whole lot since we did his big present this summer... remember the trip to the Corvette Museum...?




And I guess I better finish up that "Ten Day You Challenge" huh? I think I've stretched it waaaaay beyond the ten days... but you don't mind right? LOL!

Soooo... Ten Secrets!

10.) I love the smell of books! Yes! Weird... I know! That's one of the main reasons I still buy books and why my nook just sits around and collects dust. I also hate hard covers! Why? Because I'm a spine creaser! Ooooooh! I know right? Major no no! But I can't help it. I like how it looks too. I think it gives my books character...
I think it looks well read. And a well read book is like a good friend to me. :)

9.) I am addicted to nail polish! I have a shelf in my bathroom (that looks like the kind in the salon) that is completely full of nail polish! I am an addict, I can't stop buying it or using it. I don't think I've actually seen my toe nails (other than to take the polish off and re-paint them) in probably over 12 years!

8.) I want to own my own movie theater one day... I know how crazy that sounds but I have always loved movies and I think it would be really awesome to have a movie theater. Not like an AMC or Cinemark but a family "mom & pop" style theater...
and I won't charge $9.50 for a ticket either!

7.) Id love to write my own book one day too. Either a mystery or a children's book.
I've always wanted to be a writer, I just don't think I'm that good at it
(I know... your probably nodding your head in agreement that I'm not lol)

6.) I don't know what I want to be yet... and that to me is scary. I just can't decide... I know what I'm going to do and what I'm going to school for, but is it really what I want? I dunno.

5.) I want to move back home, as much as I love Biloxi and being so close to New Orleans. I'm sick of all this. I'm sick of the military and I'm sick of being away from my friends and family. It's been real good to us with all the benefits and all but I am done.

4.) I love the way my dog smells lol! I know how gross that sounds but I love it! He still has that musky puppy scent and its really loveable!

3.) I looooooooath chucky cheese! And the munchkin wants to have her birthday party there this year... I am trying my hardest to talk her into having it ANYWHERE else but there! I don't know what it is about that place but it makes my anxiety go off the scale and leaves me with a headache and empty wallet later.

2.) Oooh ooh... ok if the movie theater doesn't work out I wanna own a tea shop. Like the kind you can go in and sit down and have any kinda tea and some awesome tea sandwiches or dainty lady fingers?

1.) I have set a limit to the "having a baby" time... my limit is 32. I won't go past that. I think by that time it will be just too late for me. My cousin had her children late in life... 30 for her son and 32 for her daughter and then 4 years later she had cancer and died. The doctors told my Aunt and Uncle it could have been brought on by having her children so late in life. Female cancer's are dominate in both sides of my family and it scares the shit out of me. It's not the getting cancer and dieing part (which I'm not ready for... believe me) its more leaving your young children behind. I can't imagine growing up with out my mom, I can't imagine having to leave them and never being able to see them go to prom, graduate from college, get married and have children of their own. Sooo much is missed out on both parts and frankly that just scares the shit out of me. I won't risk not being there to see my daughter grow up and become a mother some day herself for the sake of a dream. I have a daughter, whither or not she came from my body she is mine and I can be satisfied with her being my only love.

10 Day You Challenge

So, I guess I'm kinda turning this 10 day Challenge into an every other day kinda post challenge lol! Sorry... so sew me! Hubby is TDY again (groan) and as per usual, everything starts to fall apart after he leaves lol! What is it Murphy? Do you like messing with me?! LOL! Anyway... on to the Challenge!

Today is about 7 wants! This should be relatively easy... because quite frankly there is alot I want LOL! Oh come on! Don't look at me like that... ;)


7) I really want to go get some Tato Nut Donuts this morning... I have a serious hankering for some pralines! Those are the kind that I mentioned before, that are my favorite... the ones where its like a cinnamon bun and donut came together and had a love child! Oh so good! So why don't I get in the car and just go get some? I'm trying to behave and be good and say... "I don't need the FATnut, I don't need the FATnut!" LOL!

6) I really want a new wardrobe... (although I should probably lose some more weight first) but I am just sick of my clothes... all I wear for the most part are t-shirt and jeans. I want to be a bit more stylish... Especially with fall just around the corner... I love boots and scarves and sweaters!

5) I want to take my car to get detailed... It REALLY needs it! Between the dog being in there and a messy five year old in the back, my poor car looks like its been through the ringer! I also need to get 2 crusty stickers off the back of my window, I have no idea how to remove them... they seem to be stuck on with super glue! So.... if any of you have any tips on how to get it off... I'd be grateful! I'd also like to replace the hub cap that fell off about a month ago when the city was reparing a street and they failed to put cones around the giant hole in the ground! I was so P-O'ed when I saw I was missing a hub cap... it just bugs me, it makes me feel like my car looks trashy LOL!

4) I want a mini break... just me and say mom to go on a little adventure/vacation together... I know for one she needs it (work has been stressing her) and it would be fun just the two of us. With him going TDY alot lately I'd love to just be able to pack up and leave for a week or two... I'm not resentful, its just that well... when hes gone... everything and I mean EVERYTHING falls on my shoulders and sometimes that can be a bit much. I guess I would just like to have the rolls reversed just once... and believe me... his TDY's are the fun kind... the kind where I'm seriously jealous of the places he gets to go to, espeically the next one... :P

3) I want "A Good Day to Pie" by: Carol Culver... surprise, surprise... a book LOL! I seriously can't find it anywhere in the stores around here and I can't figure out why. I can buy it on amazon but its too expensive (I think) for a paperback. I also want the new Sookie Stackhouse book of Novella but I'm not paying $36.00 for short stories. I also want to buy the last J.R. Ward book in the Black Dagger Brotherhood series which is Paynes story... but again, I can't see paying over $30.00 for a hardback. I'll just wait till they all come out on paperback. Call me crazy but I like paperback better.

2) I want dad to go to the doctors and get checked out... he worries me... he is a stubborn Irishman (yeah, a real one) and will NOT, under any circumstances go to the doctor... Mom thinks his skin cancer is back again (he had it last year, and actually had it removed...believe me I was shocked he actually went to the doctor about it!) and his hips are bothering him, so much that after 10-15 minutes of walking and he has to sit down before he falls down. He has also started to walk with a limp, I wonder if he might have bone cancer. There are other signs too, like when he gets hurt he doesn't heal as quickly anymore and he has numbness in his lower extremities. Bottom line... I just want him to go to the doctor, get checked out, let them do some tests on him and figure out what's going on.

1) I want a baby... but I think you all know this by now. We are slowly approching our dreaded anniversary of when we started this "baby making adventure" I am sick to death of people telling me it will happen, when it happens. That is really not true in my case, I have documented proof that my body just will not work, without medical help and treatments. Which by the way... I am sick of! I don't think I have ever taken this many pills in all my life! I wish it could come naturally... I do... women who become pregnant naturally really have no idea how good they have it! I can deal with alot of pain trust me... but the emotional scars this is putting on my heart is taking its toll on me. I have my good days and I have my bad days... and I try not to let the bad days show that much. I have SEVERAL (Five to be exact) on Facebook right now that are pregnant, I am truly happy for them, and am not bitter one bit. I just wish I could be part of the club too... I won't lie, it gets hard to read their status's about feeling the baby kick, and picking out furniture and going over names and stuff like that, and with each passing day it gets harder and harder to believe it will happen for me. I am out of faith, and emotionally spent, yet some how I manage to truck on... *sigh*

Now I wish I could have ended this on a happier note... lol! How bout a joke?

A pregnant woman and her husband go to her doctor for her first check up. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her an her husband if they have any questions or concerns. The husband replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about her pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" he asks.

The doctor says ok, and asks him to;
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

LMAO! Have a great day guys! :)

Here's the skinny on getting preggers...

So yeah... here's the skinny on me getting preggers. I went to the doctor (Endocrine-Reproductive Fertility Specialist... mouthful isn't it?) in Mobile last week and had an appointment with his nurse (she's freakin awesome btw) she did an Ultrasound on me to see if there were any follicles from this cycle of clomid. There were! There were 2... I'm trying not to get too excited over this because they could have been there all along, meaning they could have been there before I even started the treatment, we just don't know because they didn't take an ultrasound at my first visit, which now of course we are all regretting... The follicles both came from my right ovary and they are both in the correct "postion" if they mature or not is another story... one is 16mm and the other is 20mm. Again though, I'm not going to get my hopes up for many reasons... one being that I did NOT have a positive OPK reading this month at all...(but then again I forgot a day or two, of testing...) and two... who really get's pregnant on their first round of clomid? Yeah, its like 2% of all women treated. However, it was pretty neat-o seeing all my parts on the inside. Don't get me wrong, I've seen ultrasounds before... he'll I've even done one on someone before... I've just never had one done on myself lol! So now we wait (my most FAVORITE part of all this) can't you tell I'm excited... :P

So the plan is to either take a test once I'm officially late (which is Sunday) and bada-bing! I'll be giving you my next post that I'm pregnant... Or end up with AF knocking on my door and we start next month with another round of clomid, and at that time I've been informed that my dosage will be increased.... yay! Bring on the random crying and emotional rollercoaster LOL! Hubby is gonna looooooooove me! :D On the bright side, while having the ultrasound done... nurse awesome didn't find anything abnormal'ish and it doesn't seem to be that I have PCOS... on the other hand... we still don't know exactly what IS wrong with me... and why my body will not ovulate on its own.

The Baby Game Plan

Hubby and I went to my new fertility doctor appointment in Mobile, AL today and we were COMPLETELY satisfied!!! YAY!!!Granted this was our first meeting but so far so good! I am impressed and after an hour an 20 minute consultation I left feeling hopeful, joyful and more positive than I have felt in months! Why? Because we now have a game plan! No seriously... my "operation baby" to-do list, seriously looks like a Mike Tomlin's playbook for when Pittsburgh is in the playoffs! Buttttt.... to break it down.

I will be taking my first round of Provera (that little pill that makes sure that mother nature will come pound on your front door and give you your monthly "gift") then I call the doc and get the approval to start my first cycle of 50mg of clomid... now I know what your thinking... the big "T" word... but, that only happens to 10% of all women on clomid... so lets just stay positive here people LOL! Regardless I will be happy to be pregnant with something... unless its an alien... LOL!After I finish the round of clomid I will have LOTS of blood tests to make sure that little magic pill is doing its job and stimulating my ovaries. Then on cycle days 7-11 I will be having my HSG done to make sure my parts are all functioning fine. After that it OPKT (Ovulation Predictor Kit Time)!!! If thats all good then you can guess what will be coming next... a brief blogging hiatus due to other stimulating activities LOL! Then around mid cycle I will be going back to Dr. Geinus for a mid cycle ultrasound and hoping to find some potential follicles!

Phew! Sounds like a lot right?! But, like I said... I really LOVE this guy! I am greatful that he has given me hope! And I cant wait to get the plan in motion!

Thank you, Thank you!

*Just another little update*

You all have done really great by crossing and hoping and thinking happy thoughts, because I finally got a hold of the doctors office in Mobile and we FINALLY have an appointment! YAY!
Its set for May 3rd, which is later than I would have liked but hey, at least my uterus is in the door LOL! ;) So thanks very much guys! Your support and encouragement means more than you all will ever know! Love you all! :D

Infertility Update

Just thought I'd give you all a little update since I haven't talked about it in a little while. After seeing Dr. "X" and having an awful experience with him a few months ago, I decieded to ask Tricare to allow me to seek a second opinion and they have referred me to Dr. "Hope" in Mobile Alabama. He is not just a OB/GYN like Dr. "X" is... Dr. "Hope" is actually a Fertility doc who specializes in Endocrinology... oh baby steps (no pun intended), but at least were getting somewhere... I am currently waiting on being scheduled by their office, that is IF they ever call me back one day. Have I mentioned how they only answer the phone from like 8am till 10am? I am also currently in the 2 week wait but am not real hopeful about this month... March has been extremely stressful and busy for me both socially and professionally, with having taken on this new job. To be down right honest... I'd be shocked if AF didn't arrive and by some miracle I were to have my BFP. But, hey one can hope and dream right? I'll keep you posted in the next week or 2 on my status, but until then... if you happen to see that baby dust fairy make sure you nabb her and shake the shit out of her for me ;) lol!

Feeling kinda down...

Its almost 9pm here and can I just say for the record that I am little nervous freaking out about tomorrow. Its my follow up appointment with infertility doc. I think its just all hitting me... I think I am frustrated beyond belief that I still don't know what's wrong with me. I am sad, because I feel like my AF is just around the corner, and pessimistic about also not accomplishing anything at tomorrows appointment because he will want to wait till next cycle to try anything... yup, that means waiting another month. With my birthday right around the corner all this just brings me full circle to square one. I wish I could just hold my breath or stand on my head until I get pregnant... at this point I'd probably believe and try just about anything! I am truly just irritated at this point! The worst part is feeling all these "symptoms" when I know its just that big fat negative test I'm going to face next week. I am so beyond sick of testing! And let me just say its getting expensive! I seriously think that sam's club should stock their shelves with these and ovulation kits! Ive got the perfect spot too... right in between the trojan condom's and the prenatal vitamins they have stocked. Agggggh! Ok now that I've got all that out... I feel better. I seriously hope tomorrow goes well but I really have my doubts. Its just getting harder and harder for me to stay positive... I feel like every time I get to see just a hint of light at the end of the tunnel, I get mowed down by some stupid train. :( So to be continued tomorrow...

A Road Block to Babyville...

So I am frustrated as hell this afternoon... I just got back from my appointment at the hospital where I tried to have my HSG done. What's my problem? An uncooperative cervix is my problem... I am just too small, so to speak to have this test done apparently. Its not for lack of trying though, because believe me... the doctor "tried" 3 times. At least now I am fully aware of what kinda pain I will be having when I actually have to go through this again... yes, that's right I have to go through this again (probably). I tried to call my doctor this afternoon to let him know the situation but he seems to be out of the office for the rest of the day (I'm sure its something about a meeting with a golf course) anyway... I will call him and talk to him on Monday to let him know what happened and see what he wants our next step to be. So for now we are at a road block. And I am in some slightly uncomfortable pain. :(

I was so hoping to have some sorta answer by now... I was hoping that this would be it... that my uncertainty would be over... but no, it seems like I will have to wait a little longer. You would think by now Id get used to the waiting but no... it only feels worse. The longer I wait, the worse I feel. Why is nothing ever easy for me? Why couldn't I have been one of those women who just pop out babies like people pop outta stargate? Life is so unfair sometimes... and if this is my "lesson" as to "anything you ever truly want is worth fighting for"... trust me I get! Can I have my gift now! Pretttttttty Pleeeeease!!!