I know... I've been keeping you in suspense I'm sure, but I had to be sure before I posted anything. We are NOT pregnant... nope, big no, big FAT negative on my blood work. I ended up POAS (Peeing on a stick) early Monday morning and ended up getting one of those "crazy lady" pink lines... ya know, the kind where your like "is that real? Am I really seeing that or am I just nuts?"
So I called up the doc's office and asked if I could have a blood test. So off to Mobile I drove on Tuesday morning, they didn't get the results back until later that day and my nurse finally called me at around five yesterday with the news. I just don't know what to say... other than I'm getting real used to the disappointment. I know... everyone keeps telling me all kinds of sweet things... "like it will happen when its meant to", "it will happen when god want's it too", "it will happen when your body is ready to let it happen".
I get it, really I do... but the thing is... my body will NEVER be ready... I don't ovulate on my own... my body doesn't work like it should, I am defected... I am broken. So without help of modern medicine I will NEVER have a child of my own... so saying thing's like it will happen when its time, is not a valid answer to me... because for me my time will never come without help. I am losing hope slowly but surely... its hard to stay positive when you get a negative every month. It's hard to have faith in something that you never believed in anyway.
I made alot of bad choices and mistakes in my life but I still feel that I deserve to be happy and complete, children are after all... what is worth living for. I am greatful for all I have, a husband that loves me, a daughter that thinks the world of me, I just wish I could give them something in return, a little piece of me to love too. My biggest fear is that my munchkin will grow up like me, alone and scared. The cold hard fact is, I won't live forever... and one day she will be all alone. She has NO cousins, let alone close ones. She has her grandparents and her father and I, that's all... she is why I fight this battle... not for me... but to give her a best friend, to give her someone to share her adult life with, to have someone to lean on after I am gone. Every wish of her's is spent on asking for a brother or a sister, every Christmas or Birthday she asks for a sibling to spend her days with. She promises she will be a good big sister and it breaks my heart that she might never get the chance to be one. She is why I fight the fight. She is my constant, she is my rock.
So I guess its back to the drawing board now...
You are not defected and broken. There are lots of women out there who have trouble having children. My own mother was one of them- she adopted me and my sister, then surprisingly also had my brother naturally (she had 8 miscarriages and 1 ectopic pregnancy).
ReplyDelete(Maybe I'm overstepping my bounds here, but if you ever consider that avenue, you can ask me anything.)
In the mean time, you are doing all you can and I think that is wonderful! It's not always easy, and there are very few words of encouragement that don't sound like a double entendre, but I hope you know that I'm rooting for you! You deserve all that makes you happy, including a baby, and I'll keep my fingers crossed! :)
i know exactly how you're feeling - i don't ovulate on my own, so when people say "just relax and it will happen" it makes me so unbelievably angry.
ReplyDeletei went through a phase where i thought that if i couldn't get pregnant on my own, then maybe i shouldn't be trying to pass on that defective genetic code, like natural selection had tried to eliminate me. a friend of mine who's a doctor, and interned in a fertility clinic assured me that this was not that case, and that i would make an excellent mother with adorable babies.
but very often i do feel defective and broken. and then i try to remember that it's something that i have no control over - i was just made this way.
awwwwwww sorrry to hear! i was hoping things would of worked out! don't give up! your not broken or defective, its a stressful thing ttc. keep your head up and smile! munchkin is definitely your rock!!! and just look at her u cant help but smile hope ur having a great mid week other then the news!
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I grew up with a brother and cousins, but I was still alone. I was the outcast of my family. I found family from friends. You don't have to be blood to be family. My son is an only child, and I have the same fears as you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you have, but if this doesn't work out, have you considered adoption?
I still have my fingers crossed for ya :)
In situations like this, no one ever knows the "right" thing to say. I don't know what it feels like to be in your shoes, but I understand your frustrations and fears. (Having had people in my family in your situation, I have always wanted to be a surrogate.) Keep fighting a good fight, that's all you can do. You are still in my thoughts and prayers.
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