To be honest it's because I'm scared I'll fail it. You wouldn't think a test so simple as this could be so scary... no I'm not talking about my college algebra test... I'm talking about a stupid pregnancy test. Yes, I am scared to death that I will take it and still only get one pink line. I know what you are thinking... "at least you'll know". I think at this point... I'd rather not know... I just can't take the hurt and disappointment, not this close to the holidays. I am officially 14 days late and for the past two weeks I've been feeling "off" but I am not paying much attention to it, because I've felt like this before and its always been not a big deal. Still I can't help feeling weird, and I can't ignore that am no longer able to sleep on my stomach because it feels like I'm sleeping on a golf ball. My side hurts, yeah, that spot right near your ovary and it worries me, and still I canot bring myself to do anything about it. I keep waiting, waiting to get my period, waiting to get the courage and balls to just take the stupid test, waiting for the sky to fall, or the bottom to fall out... I dunno which, but I know its coming... it always does. I guess another reason I'm putting it off is because I'm scared to death that this will be the last month trying with meds. I don't want to be cut open and put on display for the sake of "trying to find out what's going on" -- yeah, that's what they call it when the pills they give you don't work and they still can't find out what's going on with your babymaker. They cleverly disguise it as a "laparoscopy". If it were up to me (just the silly ole patient and her body) I would just continue with the meds and injections till January. Put myself on BC (to control my heavy periods) for 6-7 months while the hubby will be deployed, and then test it after he comes back for a month. If all that fails... then we opt for surgery. But what do I know? I'm just the patient, I'm just the girl who longs desperately for a baby. I am just the wife who can't give her husband what he wants the most. Hope is definitely getting sparse around here, that is what I do know. :( What would you do if you were in my shoes?
P.S.
I hate blogging about such negative things, but this is my life and this is what is currently going on with me... I just have to get this off my chest...
that's a tough one. myself, i test often and early because if i could possibly catch a CP, that would give me worlds of hope vs just another BFN, that maybe just maybe it would be possible someday to be successful. you said that you're 14 days late, do you know if and when you ovulated? if you ovulated late, you're not really "late"... but if you ovulated on time and you're 14 days late, i would think you have a pretty good chance! besides, i would want to know one way or the other incase there was something wrong... these fertility meds are horribly dangerous...
ReplyDeleteas far as the future, you can only make decisions day to day with the info you have at that time. trust your gut, but trust your dr too. if we're unsuccessful this month we're on a med break too... and i don't know what the dr wants to do after that, or what we want to do after that... there's only so much that a person can endure...
Your blog is YOUR blog- who cares if you have a difficult post?? I'm sure your readers would support you, positive or not!
ReplyDeletePersonally, I haven't dealt with much difficulty getting pregnant. There was a period where I couldn't get a positive, but luckily it was because of something else that was easily fixed. But I know what it's like to WANT a positive and not get one. Saying that, if I were you, I'd still take it. It would suck if it were negative, but for me, it would suck more to not know!
Thanks guys! I appreciate all the encouragement :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, I know exactly when I ovulated only because they gave me a trigger shot to make me ovulate in a 24-36 hr window. I guess right now my philosophy is "ignorance is bliss" LOL.
If it makes you feel better, I wouldn't test either. I'm an avoider. I always hope by avoiding something, the worry will lessen. Of course it never does, but you're not alone! Crossing my fingers for you :-)
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what it all feels like, but I'm truely hoping when you have the courage to take the test, you get the answer you want! It's your blog and your experiences, sharing them is what you get to do!
ReplyDeleteAww, the last part broke my heart. Your husband loves you. You have put forth so much effort.. it's really hard to give you a bunch of encouraging words because I've never been in your position, but I wish you all the luck in the world!
ReplyDeleteyou know my heart hurts for you. and you know i always feel bad about talking about my pregnancy because i don't want to hurt my friends like you who are struggling. i'm keeping my fingers and toes crossed. ITS GOTTA HAPPEN SOON! ITS JUST GOTTA! <3
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel and often choose the ignorance is bliss route just to hold on to that little sliver of hope as long as possible. Here's hoping that no news is good news as my family likes to say! :D
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