I am finally all scheduled up for my HSG test, ya know that thing that they put in side of me and then shoot dye into me until I get uncomfortable and then take pictures ;) Sounds like fun right? I'll admit it... I am
scared to death a little nervous. Although I have heard the bark is worse than the bite on this one. Apparently they (as in the doctor and the whole nursing staff) say its like having bad period cramps but a little worse. Worse? Ha! They haven't experienced my period cramps! lol! Don't worry I'm sure I will blog all about it. ;) I am currently shaking my head to the irony of this whole situation and laughing at how now it is my turn to experience the uncomfortableness that I have been an accomplice to causing... I'm sure some would say "serves her right" lol. I just hope that I'm right and its no big deal. Either way... I'm having it done... I NEED to know WTF is up with my body... I need to know why I am not pregnant by now. That in itself is frustrating. I understand it takes a while... that "practice make perfect" and that the more I stress about it the more it can hinder me... but this is ridiculous. I feel like something is wrong... I honestly believe that no matter how much I were to just relax and let things happen, they would never happen. I know this because, this is not my first rodeo in trying to get pregnant. I had been married before my husband that I have now for 4 years, and we dated while I was in high school. Not once, had I ever even had a "close call"... again it makes me wonder... wouldn't it make you wonder? Now 10 years later here I am and still no baby to show for... can you imagine my frustration? Close your eyes... picture your worst fear... dwell on it for 10 years and that is pinch of what I feel like just about everyday. Imagine walking into clinic after clinic seeing nothing but happy "mom's to be" with their beautiful baby bumps or newly born children and you being the defective one. Imagine friends and relatives and sometimes strangers seeing your daughter turn 5 years old and saying "better start working on another one, before she gets TOO old!" Sounds like it sucks doesn't it? But this is not a pitty me post... I swear... I just want to reveal how it really is... this is my struggle, this is my strife, this is my burden to carry on my own... BUT IT WILL NOT OWN ME! All I ask is... if you pray... please say one for me, if you believe in magic... please blow a little baby dust my way, if your a Hare Krishna... then by Hare dance and sing away! I can use all the hope in the world next Thursday for a positive outcome of my test. Till then I shall keep you all posted on this baby adventure...
