Eight Fears... that's alot...
Alas, this will be easy yet difficult for me... why?
Because I am a worrier... I worry about everything...
Constantly...
Yep, even right now.
What could possibly going on right now that I am worrying about?
How my munchkin is doing in school, is she behaving?
Is she being picked on or being made fun of?
(I have serious issues with that myself because
I was both picked on and made fun of my whole life)
Is my cousin ok? Is she going to lose her mom to cancer...?
How is she going to deal with all that... shes only 24 years old. She has no one else.
Her dad is not apart of her life. I don't even think he knows his "ex" (they are not officially divorced; just separated for over 10 years) wife has cancer.
Silly right? Why worry...cause it gets you nowhere? I dunno... its just something that I do.
And something I can't ever stop. Its so bad for me that it physically hurts me.
But why is this so hard? Because I keep it all bottled up... I am not one that shares that softer more vulnerable side to me. I was just not raised to show emotion. Not that my parents ever said or punished me for showing it. It just wasn't done. Both my parents are strong and emotionless on things that bother them, I also have this trait. If there's something wrong with me or I'm upset, you'd never know it... unless I'm at my breaking point, and even that is usually done privately. Nope, I keep it all bottled up, locked away, where no one would see it. That's why this makes it incredibly difficult to say all this. Never the less, here it is... on display where everyone can see it. Just don't ask me to do it again. *Deep breath* and here we go...
8. I fear that I will not get to do everything I want to do before I die.
I also fear that it is my destiny to die tragically. I dunno why, but I have felt like that all my life.
7. I fear that I will never have a baby, and that the munchkin will be all alone in life after her father and I die.
6. I fear that I will get a phone call that something has happened to my mom, she is extremely stressed and depressed about work lately, she has high blood pressure and I'm afraid she will have a heart attack or a stroke from all the stress.
5. I fear my dad's cancer is back.
4. I fear that I wont be good at college, and that I will be just wasting my time.
3. I fear that I will just be another disappointment to my family and my husband if I don't do something meaningful with my life soon.
2. I fear time... the older I get the more quickly it seems to slip through my hands.
I fear I wont have enough time with her while she is young and I will never have another one to share these moments with. I think about that all the time (during monumental events with her) that this is it... that all I get in this moment...
and I'll never get to experience it with another child.
1. I fear that I am not good enough with her. I fear that I will fail her. One day I will have to tell her the truth about what happened and how I became to be her mother. I fear that she will resent me for it, and not telling her all those years,
and I fear as a result of it my heart will break and I will be all alone in life.
And just one more added bonus... to make this not sooooo serious of a post. I have a really irrational fear... I fear those modular homes being moved on wide load semi trucks. I fear that they will fall off the truck as I'm driving next to it and crush me and everyone in the car with me to death. I know... sounds like some "final destination" crap right? I actually saw this happen though, on my way to the airport once, when I was flying to England. Honest!
Alas, this will be easy yet difficult for me... why?
Because I am a worrier... I worry about everything...
Constantly...
Yep, even right now.
What could possibly going on right now that I am worrying about?
How my munchkin is doing in school, is she behaving?
Is she being picked on or being made fun of?
(I have serious issues with that myself because
I was both picked on and made fun of my whole life)
Is my cousin ok? Is she going to lose her mom to cancer...?
How is she going to deal with all that... shes only 24 years old. She has no one else.
Her dad is not apart of her life. I don't even think he knows his "ex" (they are not officially divorced; just separated for over 10 years) wife has cancer.
Silly right? Why worry...cause it gets you nowhere? I dunno... its just something that I do.
And something I can't ever stop. Its so bad for me that it physically hurts me.
But why is this so hard? Because I keep it all bottled up... I am not one that shares that softer more vulnerable side to me. I was just not raised to show emotion. Not that my parents ever said or punished me for showing it. It just wasn't done. Both my parents are strong and emotionless on things that bother them, I also have this trait. If there's something wrong with me or I'm upset, you'd never know it... unless I'm at my breaking point, and even that is usually done privately. Nope, I keep it all bottled up, locked away, where no one would see it. That's why this makes it incredibly difficult to say all this. Never the less, here it is... on display where everyone can see it. Just don't ask me to do it again. *Deep breath* and here we go...
8. I fear that I will not get to do everything I want to do before I die.
I also fear that it is my destiny to die tragically. I dunno why, but I have felt like that all my life.
7. I fear that I will never have a baby, and that the munchkin will be all alone in life after her father and I die.
6. I fear that I will get a phone call that something has happened to my mom, she is extremely stressed and depressed about work lately, she has high blood pressure and I'm afraid she will have a heart attack or a stroke from all the stress.
5. I fear my dad's cancer is back.
4. I fear that I wont be good at college, and that I will be just wasting my time.
3. I fear that I will just be another disappointment to my family and my husband if I don't do something meaningful with my life soon.
2. I fear time... the older I get the more quickly it seems to slip through my hands.
I fear I wont have enough time with her while she is young and I will never have another one to share these moments with. I think about that all the time (during monumental events with her) that this is it... that all I get in this moment...
and I'll never get to experience it with another child.
1. I fear that I am not good enough with her. I fear that I will fail her. One day I will have to tell her the truth about what happened and how I became to be her mother. I fear that she will resent me for it, and not telling her all those years,
and I fear as a result of it my heart will break and I will be all alone in life.
And just one more added bonus... to make this not sooooo serious of a post. I have a really irrational fear... I fear those modular homes being moved on wide load semi trucks. I fear that they will fall off the truck as I'm driving next to it and crush me and everyone in the car with me to death. I know... sounds like some "final destination" crap right? I actually saw this happen though, on my way to the airport once, when I was flying to England. Honest!
I am a worrier too. I worry about everything whether I can control it or not. I think that is our lot in lives as mothers. Add on that we are currently mili-moms doesn't help! :)
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